You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
