she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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