I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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