He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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