my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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