btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
