If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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