Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
God, I missed his penis.
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