omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
