Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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