Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will pee on everything he values.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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