I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
