well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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