gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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