I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
