I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
