We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Is it penis luge time yet?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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