How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
