We're like a lot better than the average bears
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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