he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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