i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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