I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
