I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
