The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
