Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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