He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
