i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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