Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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