Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Randomize
