i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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