I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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