So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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