I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
