My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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