I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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