I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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