also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
