Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
