Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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