I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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