That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
