It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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