sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
