have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
