Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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