I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
