My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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