non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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