the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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