I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
