Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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