i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
