no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
