She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
